(Note: This article is written to help a wife who may have been or is the victim of domestic abuse. It’s also written to help the church to become better educated in a God-view of how we need to be equipped to be healing helpers. Our churches need to be safe sanctuaries for hurting people.)

Some people in the Christian community have difficulty dealing with domestic abuse in the church. There can be a distorted understanding of scriptures of headship and submission in marriage. Ephesians the 5th chapter is the foundation for a strong healthy marriage relationally, spiritually and emotionally. Its main premise is built on the truth that the husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church and ‘gave himself for her.’

Submission is to be mutual submission one to another in the fear of the Lord – Ephesians 5:21. Jesus Christ is the ‘head’ of the church meaning source. He loved His Bride so much that He willingly sacrificed His life to redeem her to himself. He instructs the husbands in this passage of scripture to love in the same way – it’s called sacrificial love. I’m to love my husband in the same way I love the Lord because the Lord is caring, kind, gentle, easily entreated, and was willing to die for my salvation.

When a husband loves his wife in the same way Christ loves the church, submission does not even become an issue – it’s automatic because a wife who loves God responds to the wonderful caring spirit from her husband as she receives from Christ. Jesus Christ came to serve and when a husband serves his wife with the same selfless spirit as Christ, no wife can resist that kind of man. In this spiritual atmosphere of a marriage where mutual submission to God is the foundation, the wife is grateful to have a husband who loves her as Christ loves her and she is more than willing to be the ‘helper’ God intended from creation and follow him as he follows Christ.

When verbal, emotional or physical abuse takes place in a marriage, it is a sin against the spouse and God. Ephesians 4:32 instructs us to be kind one to another. We are to be tenderhearted forgiving to one another because Christ has forgiven us. There is absolutely no excuse for abuse within a marriage, especially a Christian marriage!

A young mother of two married a young man in a church who had abuse in his family of origin. She did not realize that generational abuse is very common. If a person is around abuse as a child or receives abuse, then commonly they will repeat this pattern in adulthood. From the beginning of their marriage, there was verbal/emotional abuse. The wife did not tell anyone. This abuse continued for years through the birth of two children. As usually happens, there was the first physical episode of abuse. Her husband beat her and he went to jail. When she went to her pastor, his response was, “I need to hear your husband’s side of the story.” There was no emotional support for her.

My response to that statement is this husband has ‘no side of the story.’ I don’t care what the wife does or does not do; no wife is to be beaten by her husband. There is no place in scripture where a husband is given the permission to be abusive at any level to his wife or children. What the Bible does teach us is that from an evil heart comes an evil action. The ‘church attending abuser’ is usually very well liked in the church atmosphere. He knows how to act and persuade others that he is a wonderful guy. Often he is in leadership. I know this from my 64 years of living and what I’ve had to deal with in the church as a counselor for the past 18 years.

The law of America does not tolerate domestic abuse, so why should the church tolerate it? An abusive husband needs to be reported to the authorities and allow justice to take its course. The church should be equipped to stand with the wife and be supportive to her. The abusive husband needs God-based counseling on how to treat his wife. He needs to be genuinely repentive in heart and actions and be willing to submit to accountability to his pastor. If the marriage is to be healed, the couple needs continued counseling and be taught from scripture how God intended a marriage to function with His love being the foundation.

The Fruit of the Spirit is a foundational teaching for a healthy marriage spiritually and relationally. If we want love, joy and peace, then both spouses must be longsuffering, gentle, kind, have self-control, be patient and share goodness. There is no place for verbal, emotional or physical abuse.

If the husband is not genuinely repentant and willing to receive help, the wife should not be made to feel guilty about wanting to separate from this abusive man and set healthy physical/emotional boundaries for she and her children.

I recommend two books: The Anger Workbook by Carter/Minirth and The Wounded Heart by Allender. The church needs to be God-based educated and become healing helpers.

Carol Clemans is a Certified Pastoral Counselor/Christian Life Coach/inspirational Bible teacher for churches & conferences. She provides counseling nationwide by phone & web cam – (636) 448-0121. Go to: www.carolclemans.org for over 80 articles posted and her bio of 50-year ministry. Email: carol@carolclemans.org. The Clemans’ pastor is Dieter Skowron of Johnstown, CO. Listen to: www.altonline.org for Bible preaching/teaching.