“By him all things consist” (Colossians 1:17).
The truth is that no one can claim to be an expert on marriage, even if she has been married to the same man for a hundred years. There is no such thing as a perfect marriage because there is no such thing as a perfect person. When you take one woman with a certain set of personality traits, quirks, proclivities, likes/dislikes, and put her in close proximity for an indefinite amount of time with one man who has his own strong set of the above, plus an XXL ego, you’ve got challenges. Just when you think you have finally figured it out, something changes—a circumstance, a locality, a job situation, a state of health, a disposition—and your way of relating to him has to be readjusted, renegotiated, and relearned. This happens over and over until one would think married partners would be pros, but no, there is always something new to learn.
That is why I chose, instead of delving into the respective biblical roles of husbands/wives, to describe God’s plan for marriage as a covenant, one which parallels God’s covenant with His bride, the church. (See Ephesians 5:25; II Corinthians 11:2; Revelation 19:9.)
Throughout the Bible, God related to mankind with covenants. Each covenant built upon the previous one and revealed more about God. Each covenant came with privileges and obligations. When men were relating to God properly, they kept the terms of the covenant and God blessed them; when they were not loving and obeying Him, they broke the covenant and God could not bless them. “The same God who [made], [kept] and [revealed] His covenants to man also [enabled] man to fulfill his part of the covenant. Apart from the enabling grace of God man has proven his inability to keep the terms of any covenant.”1
Therefore, if any marriage covenant remains successfully intact, it is by the grace of God. He is the glue that holds all things together, including marriages, because “by him all things consist” (Colossians 1:17). Consist means “to cause to stand with; to place together; to join parts together into a whole.”2 When both spouses are committed to a covenant with Him, they can keep their marriage covenant with each other, even during the “for worse” times.
However, just because a Christian couple is committed to Christ and each other does not mean their marriage will not have occasional conflict, misunderstanding, hurt, tension, tears, or disagreement. The “worse” times can be likened to a death. By God’s grace covenant keepers can forgive, put to death, and bury such ill feelings. Whatever brought out the worst in us must be dealt with through repentance and learning better ways to relate, communicate, and resolve conflict. Then there can be a resurrection in which a couple’s commitment to each other can be reaffirmed, grow, and become stronger than when they first said “I do.”3 Both spouses have to be willing to expend the energy to keep improving and “growing” their covenant relationship and commitment.
Although not an example of the marriage relationship, Jesus’ questions to Peter apply here. (See John 21:15-17.) Peter’s treacherous denial of Christ could have meant the death of their relationship, but Jesus reached out to the repentant disciple and asked three questions: The first was, “Peter, do you love me more than … ?” Jesus wanted Peter to reaffirm that He was the most significant person or thing in Peter’s life. The second question was, “Peter, do you love [agapá?] me?” This is selfless love, a decision of the will to do what is best for the loved one. The third question was, “Peter, do you love [philé?] me?” This is an affectionate, friendly, intimate, vulnerable love.4 It takes all three kinds of love to sustain a covenant marriage. After Peter had reaffirmed his love for Christ, their relationship “resurrected” and grew stronger and more productive than at its inception.
Below is a chart that compares the covenant between Israel and Yahweh to the covenant between a husband and wife.5 When the terms of the covenant are fulfilled, it allows blessings, joy, and fruitfulness in the relationship.
Ten Commandments for Covenant Keepers
Covenant between Israel & Yahweh |
Covenant between Husband & Wife |
| 1. No other Gods |
Exclusive loyalty to your spouse, the most important person (next to God) in your life! Don’t allow career, children, friends, hobbies, etc., to become your first love. |
| 2. No graven image |
Truthfulness & faithfulness—Do not have a false image of him/her; don’t try to “shape” your spouse into your own image. |
| 3. Not taking the Lord’s name in vain |
Honor your spouse in both public and private, with deference and courtesy. |
| 4. Remembering the Sabbath |
Give your spouse time and rest, including special times apart and together. |
| 5. Honoring father & mother |
Rightly relating to parents and parents-in-law |
| 6. No murder—Jesus expanded this to hate. |
Free from hatred, destructive anger, and uncontrolled emotions; no abuse of any kind |
| 7. No adultery—Jesus expanded this to word & thought. |
Sexual faithfulness, controlled appetites, faithful in mind and will; no intimate confiding to a member of the opposite sex |
| 8. No stealing |
True community of property with the gift of privacy; one spouse does not have total control or hold back security from the other or make sacrificial demands in order to please desires or whims |
| 9. No false testimony |
Truthful communication—Try to understand; don’t project on your spouse what you think he/she means by certain words or actions; don’t quote your spouse out of context or suppress info that would give a more accurate picture of him/her. |
| 10. No coveting |
Be content and grateful for the spouse God gave you—Don’t compare his/her looks, talents, performance, etc., with another. |
Malachi stressed that God hates it when a marriage covenant breaks up, just as much as He abhorred it when Israel broke her covenant with Him. “The Lord [witnessed] the covenant [made at your marriage] between you and the wife of your youth … she is your companion and the wife of your covenant [made by your marriage vows]. And did not God make you and your wife one flesh? … Therefore keep a watch upon your spirit [that it may be controlled by My Spirit], that you deal not treacherously and faithlessly with your marriage mate” (Malachi 2:14-16, The Amplified Old Testament).
God’s plan for marriage parallels His relationship with His bride, the church. He loves, cherishes, provides, helps, leads, protects, encourages, empowers, comforts, fights battles, communes with, and never leaves, while His “bride” adores, loves, trusts, praises, follows, submits, serves, helps, completes, communes with, and never leaves her Bridegroom. Although we mess up sometimes, just as Israel did, the plan is still intact. A covenant marriage is His desire and will, and if it is also the desire and will of the spouses, He will enable them to keep their covenant with each other—because by Him all things consist.
1. Kevin Conner and Ken Malmin, The Covenants (Portland, OR: City Bible Publishing, 1983), 3.
2. Spiros Zodhiates Th.D., ed., The Complete Word Study Dictionary, New Testament (Chattanooga: AMG International, Inc., 1992), 1344.
3. Thomas N. Hart, Living Happily Ever After (New York, 1979), 31. Quoted by Samuele Bacchiocchi in The Marriage Covenent: A Biblical Study on Marriage, http:www.biblicalperspectives.com/books/marriage/2.html
4. Spiros Zodhiates, 66-67.
5. R. Paul Stevens, Married for Good (Downers Grove, IL, 1986), 17. Quoted by Samuele Bacchiocchi in The Marriage Covenant.
Patricia Bollmann, writer/editor, has a master’s degree in church ministry. She and her husband, Tim, are active members of The Sanctuary in Hazelwood, Missouri, pastored by Tim Dugas and Scott Graham
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Informational Web Sites
www.ahealthyme.com/topic/sleepdeprive
www.expectantmothersguide.com/library/connecticut/ECTsleep.htm
wondertime.go.com/learning/article/new-parent-sleep-deprivation.html
www.webmd.com/news/20060323/screening-new-moms-for-stress-anxiety
www.babyzone.com/mom_dad/womens_health/sleep_mom/a2249/3
www.csdoulas.com |
